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#1423884 - 21/05/2017 18:20 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Wild Wassa Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 17/03/2012
Posts: 390
Loc: NW ACT
You were held in high esteam.
_________________________
No one's a bushman in a fog.

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#1423886 - 21/05/2017 18:36 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1678
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch50 and ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1424864 - 31/05/2017 18:31 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
LightningGus Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 12/05/2012
Posts: 1130
Loc: Kingaroy QLD 434m ASL
For NSW fans:

My vacuum cleaner was broken, so I put a blues sticker on it and now it sucks.
_________________________
2016 Rainfall: 604mm
2017 Rainfall: 637mm ytd

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#1424890 - 31/05/2017 21:53 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: LightningGus]
EddyG Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 19/12/2008
Posts: 4346
Loc: NSW Port Stephens
Originally Posted By: LightningGus
For NSW fans:

My vacuum cleaner was broken, so I put a blues sticker on it and now it sucks.


Must have been all those toads being sucked up!! poke
_________________________
Rainfall
MTD 15.9mm
YTD 1110.3mm
https://www.flickr.com/photos/eddygroot/
YNWA

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#1424916 - 01/06/2017 09:41 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1678
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
Your not wrong ,We got murdered last night.
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch50 and ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1425431 - 07/06/2017 12:41 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 351
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Paddy says to Mick, ¨I`m getting circumcised tomorrow.¨

Mick says, ¨I had that done when I was a few days old¨.

Paddy asks, ¨Did it hurt?¨

Mick says, ¨Well, I couldn`t walk for about a year.¨

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#1426237 - 18/06/2017 18:54 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
samboz Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 16/11/2014
Posts: 1853
Loc: Between Maffra & the Mountains...
Poor old Frank was in a terrible accident and woke up in hospital. The first person he saw was the surgeon who operated on him. “I have some bad news, but also some good news” he said.
“Well tell me,” said Frank.
“The bad news is that I had to amputate your penis, but the good news is that my brother, George, is one of the best plastic surgeons around, so I will get him to come in and see you. Apparently he has perfected a procedure to create an artificial penis.”
George came to see Frank later that afternoon. “Frank, my brother told me of your situation, it's very expensive, but I can do as he told you. The only thing I need to know is the size that you would like. The options are, 5, 7, 9, or 11 inches, but as this is quite important, it would be best if you talked it over with your wife first.”
All Frank could think of was the number eleven for some reason, but thought he had better ask his wife anyway. Eventually he called home and discussed the situation with her.
The next day, George the plastic surgeon came in and asked Frank for their decision. “Well, Frank, what did your wife say?”
“She said that she would prefer a new kitchen.”
_________________________
Rain 2016-753.5mm.J-173mmF-5mmM-66mmA-32.5mmM-24mmJ-88mmJ-143mmA-17.5mmS-89.5mmO-53.5mmNov-61.5mmDec-26mmTOTAL 2016 - 779.5MM Rain 2017.Jan-9.5mmFeb-23mmMarch-49mmApril-40mmMay-12mmJune-12mmJuly-15mm Aug-36.5mmSept-26mmOct-87mm Nov-30mm Dec-87mm-0900 8th

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#1427808 - 11/07/2017 11:36 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
samboz Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 16/11/2014
Posts: 1853
Loc: Between Maffra & the Mountains...
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths, and Territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
---------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
---------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
---------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
---------------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should be used only for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
---------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
---------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
---------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
---------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
---------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
--------------------
14. An Internal Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
--------------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
_________________________
Rain 2016-753.5mm.J-173mmF-5mmM-66mmA-32.5mmM-24mmJ-88mmJ-143mmA-17.5mmS-89.5mmO-53.5mmNov-61.5mmDec-26mmTOTAL 2016 - 779.5MM Rain 2017.Jan-9.5mmFeb-23mmMarch-49mmApril-40mmMay-12mmJune-12mmJuly-15mm Aug-36.5mmSept-26mmOct-87mm Nov-30mm Dec-87mm-0900 8th

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#1427835 - 11/07/2017 18:27 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1678
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
Well that could solve a lot of problems there lol.
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch50 and ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1428029 - 15/07/2017 09:51 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Beltane Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 15/10/2001
Posts: 444
Loc: Warriewood 2102 NSW
A policeman pulls over a priest for swerving..
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The priest, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!!
_________________________
Beltane

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#1428436 - 19/07/2017 15:22 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 351
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
I was in Bunnings Warehouse the other day, and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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#1428438 - 19/07/2017 15:48 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 351
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Rodeo position

Two mates were out drinking and talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other 'What is it?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear: 'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

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#1432759 - 04/09/2017 14:45 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: J Pabo]
@_Yasified_shak Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 07/03/2009
Posts: 4073
Loc: El Arish
Confucius Says ~ Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
_________________________
Why is it in the era of "Time saving" devices, that people are more "Time poor" than ever?

Humans think they are the fabric of society,when they are merely part of the thread.


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#1432829 - 05/09/2017 08:41 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: @_Yasified_shak]
@_Yasified_shak Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 07/03/2009
Posts: 4073
Loc: El Arish
Confucius Says ~ Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
_________________________
Why is it in the era of "Time saving" devices, that people are more "Time poor" than ever?

Humans think they are the fabric of society,when they are merely part of the thread.


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#1432909 - 05/09/2017 16:55 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Rsav Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 07/12/2016
Posts: 66
Once there was a young boy who wanted to know how to spell the word vagina. He went to his father and asked "Dad, how do you spell vagina?", to which his father replied "I don't know son, go ask your mother". So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum, how do you spell vagina?", to which his mother enquired "Have you asked your father?" The boy said "Yeah, but he doesn't know", to which his mother said "Well he should, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning".


Edited by Rsav (05/09/2017 16:58)

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#1432980 - 06/09/2017 09:47 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: Rsav]
@_Yasified_shak Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 07/03/2009
Posts: 4073
Loc: El Arish
Confucius Says ~ Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.
_________________________
Why is it in the era of "Time saving" devices, that people are more "Time poor" than ever?

Humans think they are the fabric of society,when they are merely part of the thread.


Top
#1433879 - 13/09/2017 12:45 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: @_Yasified_shak]
@_Yasified_shak Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 07/03/2009
Posts: 4073
Loc: El Arish
Confucius Says ~ Passionate kiss like spider web ... lead to undoing of fly....
_________________________
Why is it in the era of "Time saving" devices, that people are more "Time poor" than ever?

Humans think they are the fabric of society,when they are merely part of the thread.


Top
#1433925 - 13/09/2017 17:19 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1678
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
Confucius say, Man who throws dirt is losing ground.
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch50 and ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1434012 - 14/09/2017 14:00 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: @_Yasified_shak]
Rsav Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 07/12/2016
Posts: 66
Originally Posted By: @_Yasified_shak
Confucius Says ~ Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.

Slightly different version:

Confucius say: Poorly-endowed man with hole in trouser pocket, feel only a little cocky...


Edited by Rsav (14/09/2017 14:02)

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#1434073 - 15/09/2017 08:10 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: ozone doug]
Wild Wassa Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 17/03/2012
Posts: 390
Loc: NW ACT
Originally Posted By: ozone doug
Well that could solve a lot of problems there lol.


Her Majesty could have also decreed that all Septics also known as Seppos, add the letters 'ly' to verbs that are used in the past tense ... a player did not play bad, they played badly.

Also, having a particular form of intelligence for a difficult task is not called ... 'having smarts'. It is being intelligent and skillful.

If possible, these rules are to stop Septics from living within a Death Cult society. A death cult of their own making.

I hope that this helps.

Warren.


Edited by Wild Wassa (15/09/2017 08:19)
_________________________
No one's a bushman in a fog.

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