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#1435510 - 29/09/2017 21:36 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Wild Wassa Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 17/03/2012
Posts: 390
Loc: NW ACT
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring & sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily....

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

"He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says... "I would have gotten out today.
_________________________
No one's a bushman in a fog.

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#1436091 - 05/10/2017 06:55 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Wild Wassa Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 17/03/2012
Posts: 390
Loc: NW ACT
'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' ... this slogan is one of the more famous taglines in modern tourism marketing and one of the most quoted and recognised ad campaigns in history. This slogan is total BS.

American society not being a death cult, is the joke.



Edited by Wild Wassa (05/10/2017 07:00)
_________________________
No one's a bushman in a fog.

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#1436162 - 05/10/2017 19:18 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
samboz Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 16/11/2014
Posts: 1870
Loc: Gippsland, S/E VIC
Thanks
_________________________
Rain 2016-753.5mm.J-173mmF-5mmM-66mmA-32.5mmM-24mmJ-88mmJ-143mmA-17.5mmS-89.5mmO-53.5mmNov-61.5mmDec-26mmTOTAL 2016 - 779.5MM Rain 2017.Jan-9.5mmFeb-23mmMarch-49mmApril-40mmMay-12mmJune-12mmJuly-15mm Aug-36.5mmSept-26mmOct-87mm Nov-30mm Dec-135mm =475mm

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#1436187 - 06/10/2017 10:13 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1697
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
New Steven Seagal blow up doll.
Probably the coolest thing about this new Steven Seagal blow up doll is the ego inside inflates itself. grin
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1436225 - 06/10/2017 17:47 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Beltane Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 15/10/2001
Posts: 444
Loc: Warriewood 2102 NSW
It's the AFL Grand Final at the MCG, and a man makes his way to his seat in the Members Stand.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor.

"The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Richmond versus Adelaide Grand Final and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Grand Final Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible...
But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.
"No,” he says.
“They're all at the funeral."
_________________________
Beltane

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#1436539 - 10/10/2017 12:35 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Read this out loud.

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word only in each line from the start.


Edited by J Pabo (10/10/2017 12:39)

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#1440097 - 02/11/2017 09:01 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Mike Hauber Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 13/07/2007
Posts: 2853
Loc: Buderim

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#1441152 - 14/11/2017 16:37 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Life hack:
Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall.
If you don’t, she might start shopping.
To her, it is romantic; for you, it is economical.


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#1441153 - 14/11/2017 16:38 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Q. What do bacon and wives have in common?

A. They both look, smell and taste fantastic; they both also kill you slowly.

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#1441157 - 14/11/2017 16:59 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
A priest asks the convict at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the convict. "Can you please hold my hand?"

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#1441159 - 14/11/2017 17:09 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”

Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.

The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

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#1441160 - 14/11/2017 17:19 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Why do hurricanes, typhoons and cyclones get such lame names, like Sandy, Tracy and Yasi?

Name the damn thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee people will be evacuating like they need to.



Edited by J Pabo (14/11/2017 17:20)

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#1441204 - 15/11/2017 09:56 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1697
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1442225 - 24/11/2017 14:32 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
For Men Only

18-35, its once in the morning and once at night.
35-50, you skip the morning but continue at night.
50-60, its now and then.
60-70, God's know when.
From 70 on, if you are so inclined,
You will discover that it is all in your mind.

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#1442228 - 24/11/2017 14:38 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
The Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

THE DOCTOR because he says ''take your clothes off.''
THE DENTIST because he says ''open wide.''
THE HAIR DRESSER because he says ''do you want them teased or blown?"
THE MILKMAN because he says ''do you want it in the back or in the front?''
THE TELEPHONE GUY because he says, ‘Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says''once it's in you'll love it.''
THE STOCK BROKER because he says, ‘It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again.’
THE BANKER because he says ''if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
THE HUNTER because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.


Edited by J Pabo (24/11/2017 14:43)

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#1442267 - 24/11/2017 21:00 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Rsav Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 07/12/2016
Posts: 67
Is someone who eats roots and leaves a herbivore or someone who departs from a party early?


Edited by Rsav (24/11/2017 21:01)

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#1442445 - 27/11/2017 12:37 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: Rsav]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Originally Posted By: Rsav
Is someone who eats roots and leaves, a herbivore or someone who departs from a party early?


Depending on the location!

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#1442588 - 28/11/2017 15:51 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: J Pabo]
Gad Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 27/12/2010
Posts: 345
Loc: Silkstone
Originally Posted By: J Pabo
For Men Only

18-35, its once in the morning and once at night.
35-50, you skip the morning but continue at night.
50-60, its now and then.
60-70, God's know when.
From 70 on, if you are so inclined,
You will discover that it is all in your mind.


This must be a NSW thing, not being able to perform on the night... 1st it was always the ref, now it`s the ageing process.
One can always rely on a Qlder

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#1442855 - 30/11/2017 10:46 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 362
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
On a tour of the North East of Australia, Queen Elizabeth II took a couple of days off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. She rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that exact moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Maroon jerseys sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the NSW fan from the water and using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations." She knighted them and drove off.

As she departed the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," the harpooner replied, "she knows little about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, or do we need to get another one?"

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#1443423 - 02/12/2017 23:21 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Alex_96L Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 28/02/2015
Posts: 210
Loc: Mulgrave (SE Suburbs), Melbour...
Too soon?


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