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#191551 - 09/05/2005 19:57 Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TrenthamStormchasers Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 15/04/2001
Posts: 6258
Loc: Trentham 705m
The Blondes netball team and the brunettes netball were sharing a double decker bus to the stadium for the grand final.

The brunettes were in high spirits, singing and laughing on the bottom deck. After a while, the captain of the brunettes noticed there was no noise coming from the blondes team, who were upstairs.

So she quietly snuck upstairs to find out what they were up to..

Every one of them was trembling, rigid in fear. In front of each one was a railing with two white knuckled hands..

The brunette captain said to the first girl she came to - "What are you so scared of?" "We are on the same bus and we are having a ball!"
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In a trembling voice the blonde player said "Yeah, but you have a driver down there..."

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WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES??!!!!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring & sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily....

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

"He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says... "I would have gotten out today.

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#191552 - 09/05/2005 20:01 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Jules J Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 03/07/2004
Posts: 2218
Loc: West of Biggenden Qld
laugh laugh laugh
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#191553 - 09/05/2005 20:31 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
rainman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/05/2005
Posts: 3
:p :p :p

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#191554 - 09/05/2005 23:52 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Jules J Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 03/07/2004
Posts: 2218
Loc: West of Biggenden Qld
Well seeing as it's getting close that time of the year .............

The Australian Tax Office sent a tax auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and turns to the Rabbi and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles"
"Yes." answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that he'd been unable to catch him out.

So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way....."Rabbi, what do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replies the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Australian Tax Office."

"The ATO!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,
"The ATO. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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#191555 - 10/05/2005 07:24 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Anthony Cornelius Offline
Meteorologist

Registered: 22/05/2001
Posts: 5162
Loc: Brisbane
ROFL!!!!!!! I'll have to give this one to my folks...they'll love that! Their company go audited so much that our accountant suggested they do something illegal just to get them off the case and slap them with a fine...as the books were spotless but they were determined to find something. Rather stupid really!!

AC
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#191556 - 10/05/2005 17:10 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
anvildome Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/2005
Posts: 166
Loc: Traralgon
Very funny rofl laugh laugh laugh

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#191557 - 10/05/2005 18:03 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Who'll Pay The Bill?

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "no health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "no money in the bank."

The nun asked, "do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "nuns are NOT spinsters! Nuns are married to GOD!

The patient replied, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191558 - 10/05/2005 20:06 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Adiabatic Offline
Member

Registered: 01/09/2001
Posts: 14190
Loc: Knoxfield 96m: 120.2mm
Classic stuff guys smile

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#191559 - 10/05/2005 20:12 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Jules J Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 03/07/2004
Posts: 2218
Loc: West of Biggenden Qld
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
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#191560 - 10/05/2005 20:18 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Jules J Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 03/07/2004
Posts: 2218
Loc: West of Biggenden Qld
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.
"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tyre iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tyre iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
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#191561 - 10/05/2005 20:50 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Helen Offline
Moderator

Registered: 07/11/2001
Posts: 9642
Loc: Mid North, SA
laugh laugh laugh Love it Jules.

Cheers, Helen :cheers:
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2017 YTD - 67.8mm Yearly Average - 403mm
Jan - 32.8mm (10mm) / Feb - 35.0mm (10mm) / Mar - - (15mm) / Apr - - (31mm)
May - - (46mm) / June - - (51mm) / July - - (59mm) / Aug - - (54mm)
Sept - - (48mm) / Oct - - (38mm) / Nov - - (23mm) / Dec - - (18mm)
Total 2016 - 637.2mm



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#191562 - 11/05/2005 11:43 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Stormy Spott Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/2004
Posts: 1546
Loc: Daisy Hill, SE Qld
Quote:
Originally posted by Anthony Cornelius:
ROFL!!!!!!! I'll have to give this one to my folks...they'll love that! Their company go audited so much that our accountant suggested they do something illegal just to get them off the case and slap them with a fine...as the books were spotless but they were determined to find something. Rather stupid really!!

AC
HAHAHAHA AC laugh laugh ...my brother works as a taxman for the ATO, I'm sure it wasn't him wink .

:cheers:

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#191563 - 11/05/2005 11:45 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Stormy Spott Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/2004
Posts: 1546
Loc: Daisy Hill, SE Qld
Quote:
Originally posted by Anthony Cornelius:
ROFL!!!!!!! I'll have to give this one to my folks...they'll love that! Their company go audited so much that our accountant suggested they do something illegal just to get them off the case and slap them with a fine...as the books were spotless but they were determined to find something. Rather stupid really!!

AC
LOL AC, oh dear laugh :rolleyes: ...my brother works as a taxman for the ATO, I'm sure it wasn't him wink .

:cheers:

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#191564 - 11/05/2005 12:06 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Stormy Spott Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/2004
Posts: 1546
Loc: Daisy Hill, SE Qld
Doh, double post, note the edited version, second post...stupid internet :rolleyes: mad laugh shocked .

:cheers:

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#191565 - 11/05/2005 12:56 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Helen Offline
Moderator

Registered: 07/11/2001
Posts: 9642
Loc: Mid North, SA
Hooked up my new Vantage Pro console and started playing with the buttons. Put it on "wind" and the ticker at the bottom suggests it is "kite flying weather." laugh
_________________________
2017 YTD - 67.8mm Yearly Average - 403mm
Jan - 32.8mm (10mm) / Feb - 35.0mm (10mm) / Mar - - (15mm) / Apr - - (31mm)
May - - (46mm) / June - - (51mm) / July - - (59mm) / Aug - - (54mm)
Sept - - (48mm) / Oct - - (38mm) / Nov - - (23mm) / Dec - - (18mm)
Total 2016 - 637.2mm



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#191566 - 11/05/2005 13:47 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
And when it rains, you'll be told it's raining cats and dogs..

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#191567 - 11/05/2005 16:16 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Helen Offline
Moderator

Registered: 07/11/2001
Posts: 9642
Loc: Mid North, SA
ROFL Keith, I can hardly wait. wink
_________________________
2017 YTD - 67.8mm Yearly Average - 403mm
Jan - 32.8mm (10mm) / Feb - 35.0mm (10mm) / Mar - - (15mm) / Apr - - (31mm)
May - - (46mm) / June - - (51mm) / July - - (59mm) / Aug - - (54mm)
Sept - - (48mm) / Oct - - (38mm) / Nov - - (23mm) / Dec - - (18mm)
Total 2016 - 637.2mm



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#191568 - 13/05/2005 14:48 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
It's not Monday (Thur. night here) is it OK if I post a good giggle?......

Well...here goes.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment. They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." And what is the moral to that story? "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "we live on a farm, too; but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only 10 live chicks." And the moral to that story is, "don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example Tammy." "Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes, Ma'am, my daddy told me that my aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break; and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets; then she killed 20 more with the machete before the blade broke off; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!!!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay away from aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191569 - 18/05/2005 16:54 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Well Hello Folks!!! I just had to share this one.

Think a Gallon of Gas(Petrol) Is Expensive?
[1 US Imperial Gallon = 3.785 litres. 1 Litre = 0.264 US Gallon. 1 ounce [oz.] = 28.3 grams].

This should put things in a little perspective:

Diet Snapple
16 oz. $1.29...........$10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea
16 oz. $1.19...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade
20 oz. $1.59...........$10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray
16 oz. $1.25...........$10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid
12 oz. $3.15...........$33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil
6 oz. $8.35............$178.13 per gallon

Pepto-Bismol
4 oz. $3.85............$123.20 per gallon

Whiteout
7 oz. $1.39............$25.42 per gallon

Scope
1.5 oz. $0.99..........$84.48 per gallon

Evian Water
9 oz. $1.49............$21.19 per gallon

So the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope or God forbid, Pepto-Bismol or Nyquil.

Cheers~~~Wet Snow
ATM in Mena, a Gallon of Regular Unleaded sells for $1.999 at Wal-Mart and $2.049 at DJ's Grocery (gas/petrol station closest to my house).

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#191570 - 20/05/2005 00:26 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Jules J Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 03/07/2004
Posts: 2218
Loc: West of Biggenden Qld
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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