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#191571 - 20/05/2005 00:27 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Jules J Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 03/07/2004
Posts: 2218
Loc: West of Biggenden Qld
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
_________________________
NQ Flood Update
SEQ Flood Update

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#191572 - 20/05/2005 08:57 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Purple Offline
Member

Registered: 05/11/2004
Posts: 107
Loc: Melbourne
HAHAHAHA.....great stuff!!!!

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#191573 - 21/05/2005 12:00 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks!!!
Just got this the other day---thought ya'll might get a grin (or two) from it.

THE JUMPER:

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 P.M. news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

The blone looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I'll bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fairs, fair, here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.......

Cheers~~~Wet Snow

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#191574 - 23/05/2005 20:41 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
liz Offline
Wind Speed Queen

Registered: 02/12/2001
Posts: 1901
Loc: Near Victor Harbor S.A.
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings to them a lovely healthy bouncy definitely Caucasian white baby boy! "Congratulations" says the Nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby? The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.

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#191575 - 24/05/2005 08:01 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
Did anyone hear the story about the painter from the US who decided to become a preacher..well, his conversion didn't fix the lisp he had suffered with all his life..
'Repaint, repaint, and thin no more!'

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#191576 - 24/05/2005 13:32 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
astrogen Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 19/10/2002
Posts: 1987
Loc: Brisbane
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NSW state of
origin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are NSW
state
of origin fans too. Not really knowing what a NSW state of origin fan was,
but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Janet had not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks why she had decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a NSW state of origin fan." she answered.
"Then" asks the teacher, "what are you ?"
"I'm a QLD state of origin fan" boasts Janet.
> The teacher asks Janet why she is a QLD state of origin fan.
"Well, my dad and mum are QLD state of origin fans, so I'm a QLD state of
origin fan too" she responds.
"That's no reason" the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and
your dad was an idiot. What would you be then ?"
Janet smiles and says , "Then I'd be a NSW state of origin fan."
_________________________
!?!?

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#191577 - 24/05/2005 14:00 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Me Offline
Member

Registered: 20/07/2002
Posts: 332
Loc: Glenbrook NSW
laugh Well, that's 15 - Love!

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#191578 - 24/05/2005 14:22 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks!!! I received this one a while back---hope you enjoy it.

Joke of the Moment:

Dallas Cowboys football (gridiron) practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Valley Ranch.

One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and see suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head Coach Dave Campo immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Cheers~~~Wet Snow
(This was when [2001] my beloved Dallas Cowboys were having trouble scoring many Touchdowns. Valley Ranch is the Cowboys' practice facility in suburban Dallas).

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#191579 - 26/05/2005 21:54 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Anthony Cornelius Offline
Meteorologist

Registered: 22/05/2001
Posts: 5162
Loc: Brisbane
Today I saw a sign outside Coles that said "Shopstealers will be prosecuted."

Geez, must be some keen thieves out there now to go and steal big supermarkets! The next time I see a Matiz hauling a Myers or Coles behind it on the highway I'll be more suspicious in future...

AC
_________________________
Weatherwatch www.weatherwatch.net.au
Downunder Chasing www.downunderchase.com

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#191580 - 29/05/2005 17:22 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Stormy Spott Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/2004
Posts: 1546
Loc: Daisy Hill, SE Qld
laugh laugh , that reminds me of an episode of 'The Simpsons' with that thief in it stealing the Kwik-E-Mart?

Thief: (towing the Kwik-E-Mart) I'm taking this to Mexico!

:cheers:

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#191581 - 30/05/2005 12:50 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
It's Sunday night here, but Monday afternoon in Australia, so here goes...hope ya'll enjoy this!!!

New U.S. State Mottos:

ALABAMA: At least we're NOT Mississippi
ALASKA: 11,623 Eskimos can't be wrong!
ARIZONA: Dehyd-rific!
ARKANSAS: Litterasy ain't everything
CALIFORNIA: As seen on T.V.
COLORADO: If you don't ski, don't bother
CONNECTICUT: Like Massachusetts, only dirtier and with less character
DELAWARE: (This was left blank---does this mean Delaware is too small to have a motto?)
FLORIDA: Ask us about our grandkids
GEORGIA: We put the "fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
HAWAII: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (translation=Death to mainland scum, but leave your money)
IDAHO: More than just potatoes...well, okay, we're not, but the potatoes sure are real good
ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA: 2 Billion years tidal-wave free
IOWA: Land of James T. Kirk
KANSAS: First of the rectangle states
KENTUCKY: 5 million people, 15 last names
LOUISIANA: We're not all Cajun Wackos, but that's our tourism campaign
MAINE: Cheap lobster
MARYLAND: A thinking mans Delaware
MASSACHUSETTS: Our taxes are lower than Sweden's (For most tax brackets)
MICHIGAN: First line of defense from the Canadians
MINNESOTA: For Sale
MISSISSIPPI: Come feel better about your own state
MISSOURI: Your federal flood relief tax dollars at work
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and very little else
NEBRASKA: Ask about our state motto contest
NEVADA: Prostitutes and Poker!
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Go away and leave us alone
NEW JERSEY: (attn EDS. as written) You want a #$@%#!@ motto? I got yer #$@%#!@ motto right here!!!
NEW MEXICO: Lizards make excellent pets
NEW YORK: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney
NORTH CAROLINA: Tobacco is a vegetable
NORTH DAKOTA: Um...we've got...Um...Dinosaur bones? Yeah, Dinosaur bones!
OHIO: Don't judge us by Cleveland
OKLAHOMA: Like the play...only no singing
OREGON: Spotted Owl, it's whats for dinner
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with coal
RHODE ISLAND: We're not REALLY an island
SOUTH CAROLINA: Remember the Civil War? We didn't actually surrender
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The educashun state
TEXAS: Se hablo Ingles
UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
VERMONT: Yep
VIRGINIA: Who says Government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don't mix?
WASHINGTON: Help! We're overrun by nerds and slackers!
WASHINGTON, D.C.: Wanna be Mayor?
WEST VIRGINIA: One big happy family---really!
WISCONSIN: Come cut our cheese
WYOMING: Wynot?

Please Enjoy & Take Care
All the Best~~~Wet Snow

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#191582 - 08/06/2005 14:54 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks:

Two intrepid explorers were tramping through the wilds of darkest Africa.
Suddenly, the explorers were surrounded by hostile natives.
The natives marched the terrified explorers to their nearby village.

The explorers are ushered at spear-point to the throne of their leader.

The leader says: "You've been caught trespassing through the Bufu Tribe sacred land and you must be punished.
But, to be fair, I'll give you a choice of punishment, either Death or Booga-Booga."

The leader asks the first explorer which punishment he would like. The man thinks he really doesn't want to die now and says to the leader, "I choose Booga-Booga." The leader turns to the natives and says, "Booga-Booga." A couple warriors strip the explorer and bind him over a log. Then the warriors drop their grass skirts---each one has a Humongous Goober---and line up. They then proceed to repeatedly sodomize the man until he finally dies.

The leader then asks the other explorer what punishment he would prefer. Upon seeing this ghastly sight and shocking way to die, the repulsed explorer tells the leader, "I choose death."

The leader rises from his throne, thrusts his spear skyward and tells the warriors: "This man chooses Death..................BY BOOGA-BOOGA".

Hope you get a chuckle from this.
C-Ya~~~Wet Snow

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#191583 - 13/06/2005 14:56 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
A clergyman tries to call a nursing home to see how one of his elderly parishioners is going.

When the phone answers at the other end, all he can hear is pandemonium and children screaming in the background.

'Hello? Is this the Home of Peace?'

'The what?' says the voice at the other end.

'IS THIS THE HOME OF PEACE?', shouts the clergyman slowly into the mouthpiece.

Says the voice at the other end:
'No, but I wish it was!'

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#191584 - 13/06/2005 15:43 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Pedro:

Pedro was trying to immigrate to the US legally. He went to the Immigration Office and took several tests.

The Officer came back and told Pedro: "Pedro, you've passed all those tests, but there's one final test. If you don't pass it, you can't get into the US."

"What kind of test is it"?, asks Pedro.

The Immigration Officer says: "Pedro, you must make a sentence using the words, GREEN, PINK and YELLOW."

"I think I can do it," says Pedro.

Pedro thinks, thinks and thinks some more and a little while after, comes back to the Officer and says: "I think I've got it."

"OK, let's hear it," says the Immigration Officer.

Pedro says: "The phone goes, Green, Green, Green; I Pink it up and say "'Yellow, Pedro.'"

Pedro is now living in a neighborhood near you.

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#191585 - 15/06/2005 03:08 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Greenmantle Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 19/12/2004
Posts: 196
Loc: S 27 28.930 E 153 01.800
*cackles* I had a housemate who sounded JUST like that. (but he was from Argentine Republic and totally loco)

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#191586 - 28/06/2005 13:47 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks!!! Well another Monday night (here) and another joke:

****************
ALABAMA (or Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, West Virginia, etc) ENGINEERING EXAM:

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Alabama Engineering Department.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a. a '65 Ford Fairlane
b. a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c. a '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of (moon)'shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2,700RPM. The density of the pinetrees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2X8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field-rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Kentucky house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the mans' land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene-pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
*************
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow
P.S. How did YOU do on this test?

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#191587 - 29/06/2005 01:43 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Fine Elsewhere Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 02/09/2002
Posts: 1873
Loc: Albany.W.A.
Hi Wet Snow, have really enjoyed those last 2 giggles - living in a somewhat remote part of Oz (ie south west corner) we can well understand that "look down the nose" feelings those poor hard working country folk in the deep south must endure - bit like how we view some people in Canberra laugh laugh my wife & i had a really good laugh at those engineering questions & we recon we got about 90% right - but would have to make small allowance for comparable brand variations wink Thanxs for sharing some good laughs !
:wave: FE

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#191588 - 16/07/2005 05:02 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hi Ya'll: Yeah, I know it's not Monday (Friday--1:48 PM here), but I just got this in an e-mail.

Dear Tide---Great Product!!!

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product!

Well, gotta go. Have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
******
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191589 - 16/07/2005 05:04 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...

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#191590 - 18/07/2005 17:40 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5884
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Again Friends: (Sincerely hope you're getting some chuckles/laughs from these jokes I've been posting).

Here we go again.....

NEW VEHICLES:
A man and his wife had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would have settled on a used truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!", she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up, you could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Assault charges are pending.
*******
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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