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#191591 - 24/07/2005 21:24 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
A surgeon and a nursing sister have a discussion before an operation. She acknowledges him and says, 'Yes, Doctor.'

He says, 'It's Mister,nurse!'

She says, 'It's Sister, Mister!'

:cheers:

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#191592 - 25/07/2005 13:52 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Awesome Aussies:
Heres another one!!!

FLORIDA OR THE MOON?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says: "Helllooooooo, can you see Florida?????"
*********
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191593 - 09/08/2005 09:14 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks: Another Monday night (here), so here we go again.


A group of 3 nuns went to a baseball game and sat in front of 3 guys. The nuns' habits were partially blocking the guys' view of the game. So the fellows decided to badger the nuns, in an effort to get them to move.

One guy said: "I think I'll move to Wyoming. I hear there are only 100 nuns there."

Another fellow said: "I think I'll move to North Dakota, as I hear that there are only 50 nuns there."

The third chap said: "I think I'll go to Montana. I hear that there are only 25 nuns there."

Just then, one of the nuns turned around, and in a sweet voice, replied: "Why don't you go to hell, there are NO nuns there!!!!!"

Gotta love the Catholics.
**********
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191594 - 17/08/2005 15:54 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hiya Folks!!! Just got this one recently.

HUMOR

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!!!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191595 - 17/08/2005 16:15 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
79commodore Offline
Member

Registered: 06/08/2004
Posts: 112
Loc: Altona
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Do people who spend $3.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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#191596 - 25/08/2005 11:50 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
A wife asked her husband to take her to an Expensive place.
So........he took her to a Gas (Petrol) Station!!!

Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191597 - 29/08/2005 17:06 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks: Heres another one.

CHUCK:
Chuck was sitting in an airplane, when another fellow took a seat beside him.

The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.

"Oh man...I've been transferred to Texas," the other guy answered, "theres crazy people in Texas...and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate..."

"Hold on", Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, and mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and its as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, Thank You, I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.

What do you do for a living?" "Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Dallas."

Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191598 - 15/09/2005 13:35 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
OK it's not Monday, but I couldn't resist this, which someone sent me:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the
simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started and never finished. So, I looked around my
house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of White Jim Beam, a bottle of Wild Turkey, a bottle of Bailey's
IrishCream, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of Tim Tams, the remainder of
my old Valium prescription, the rest of the apple pie, some mixed
lollies and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.


:cheers:

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#191599 - 16/09/2005 08:18 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
OK, it's not Monday, but I had to share this one I just got in an e-mail today.
*********
These are actual quotes taken from Government Employee Performance Appraisals (including Public School Employees):

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "She has taken all aspects of her job to previously unexplored levels of space."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he's have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
*******
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191600 - 19/09/2005 18:56 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TrenthamStormchasers Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 15/04/2001
Posts: 6258
Loc: Trentham 705m
Courtesy of Rich Koivisto, our weather watcher in Nthn Minnesota:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
4. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
5. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
6. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've amputated your arms!"
7. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
8. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!".
9. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
10. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
11. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby, proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
12. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
(Bet you start humming it!)
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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#191601 - 20/09/2005 10:04 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
Teacher to student: Michael, I want you to spell FISH.

Michael: G-H-O-T-I, Sir.

Teacher: Sorry Michael, that's not correct.

Michael: Yes it is, Sir,
GH as in Rough
O as in Women
TI as in Fictitious....

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#191602 - 20/09/2005 11:28 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Gulf Lines Offline
Banned member

Registered: 01/02/2001
Posts: 6369
I don't get that! confused frown

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#191603 - 20/09/2005 11:35 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Ricky Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 21/09/2003
Posts: 1567
Loc: West Richmond
Quote:
Originally posted by PaulM:
I don't get that! confused frown
GH makes an 'F' sound in ROUGH, get it :p

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#191604 - 23/09/2005 12:40 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks:
Not Monday night here (Thur. 9:30 PM) but I just got this one, had to share it:

**********
Mother-In-Law Dies:

A man, his wife and mother-in-law take a vacation to the Holy Land. While there, the mother-in-law passes away.

The undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you could have her buried here for $150."

The man thinks a while and decides to go ahead and have her shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled; "Why would you have her shipped home, when it'll only cost you $150 to have her buried here?"

The guy replies, "They buried a man here 2,000 years ago, and after 3 days, he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."
********
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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#191605 - 23/09/2005 14:18 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Macca-wx Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 11/02/2001
Posts: 1974
Loc: Wavell Heights, QLD
Quote:
Originally posted by Ricky:
Quote:
Originally posted by PaulM:
[b] I don't get that! confused frown
GH makes an 'F' sound in ROUGH, get it :p [/b]
I still don't get it. confused

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#191606 - 23/09/2005 14:26 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
stormygirl Offline
Weather Babe and Moderator

Registered: 21/12/2004
Posts: 4035
Loc: Melbourne, SE Burbs
It's quite easy, really! If a blonde can get it, anyone can....

GH as in ROUGH sounds like F

O as in women sounds like I

TI as in fictitious sounds like SH

Put it all together and you get FISH, but spelt GHOTI...get it now? wink
_________________________

2009 total: 646.4mm
2010 total: 813.5mm
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2012 YTD: 509.25mm (June)


www.stormygirl.net


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#191607 - 23/09/2005 14:33 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Macca-wx Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 11/02/2001
Posts: 1974
Loc: Wavell Heights, QLD
Ahh - I get it now. The problem was that there are two "ti"'s in fictitious...one of them sounds like TI as in...well...tissues. So I was getting FITI.

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#191608 - 23/09/2005 14:50 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Gulf Lines Offline
Banned member

Registered: 01/02/2001
Posts: 6369
Yes....lol that's why I gave up!

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#191609 - 23/09/2005 15:32 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Keith Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 16/12/2001
Posts: 6453
Loc: Kings Langley, NSW
No, you were all in deeper than you had to be but feeling like a ghoti out of water.

The 2nd 'TI' in 'fictitious' should be spelt 'sh'. Why one earth it isn't, I'll never know.

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#191610 - 27/09/2005 11:26 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hello Folks: Monday night here, so here goes.....
*********
A man was sitting in a cafe next to a blonde, who was engrossed reading the newspaper.

On the front page, in bold headlines, was written, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

The blonde shook her head at the sad news.

She then turned to the man and asked, "How much is a Brazilian?"
**************
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow

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