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#1446613 - 01/01/2018 11:43 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Crimson_Tide_ Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 06/06/2007
Posts: 494
Loc: Northern Sydney storm shield (...


7.0m and 7.4m Tides for Sydney , impressive. laugh

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#1446775 - 02/01/2018 08:53 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
ozone doug Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 06/11/2006
Posts: 1863
Loc: Roma SW QLD Eye to the West...
Prince Philip Joke. blush
Reportedly asked a bodyguard, "Is that a terrorist?" The man in question had a long, ginger beard. cry
_________________________
Cheers Doug. 491 Doug/ uhf ch40 When severe weather
BOM Stormspotter G0388 Roma S W Queensland Formerly Redcliffe.
https://www.wunderground.com/personal-weather-station/dashboard?ID=IQUEENSL852

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#1448105 - 09/01/2018 14:58 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: ozone doug]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Originally Posted By: ozone doug
Prince Philip Joke. blush
Reportedly asked a bodyguard, "Is that a terrorist?" The man in question had a long, ginger beard. cry


Which one? The one who head-butts when greeting other players, or the one who butts heads with the press?

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#1454974 - 27/02/2018 20:09 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
EddyG Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 19/12/2008
Posts: 5055
Loc: Port Stephens NSW
A guy calls a company, orders 5day-5kg weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
_________________________
Rainfall
MTD - 44.4mm
YTD - 875.9mm
https://www.instagram.com/eddygroot/

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#1459587 - 28/03/2018 17:14 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: EddyG]
@_Yasified_shak Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 07/03/2009
Posts: 4146
Loc: El Arish
My wife just assaulted me with an Elton John record.

I'm still standing...
_________________________
Why is it in the era of "Time saving" devices, that people are more "Time poor" than ever?

Humans think they are the fabric of society,when they are merely part of the thread.


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#1461945 - 17/04/2018 15:38 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Rsav Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 07/12/2016
Posts: 85
I've been meaning to do something about my procrastination, but I keep putting it off...

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#1462243 - 20/04/2018 15:16 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Perth and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barman, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m Joe and he’s Jim, we’ll have two XXXX beers please."

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on a holiday recently boys?"

"Off to America next month" says Joe, "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles and miles and miles, don’t we Jim?"

Jim agrees.

“Ah, America” says the barman, "Wonderful country… The history, the beer, the culture…"

“Nah mate, we don’t like that crap”, says Joe, "Meat pies and XXXX beer that’s us eh Jim?"

"We can’t stand the Yanks- their arrogant, rude and egotistical"

"So why keep going to America then?" says the barman.

Joe replies, "It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive"


Edited by J Pabo (20/04/2018 15:18)

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#1462245 - 20/04/2018 15:16 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it infrequently,’ she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

‘Is that one word or two?’

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#1462246 - 20/04/2018 15:20 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said “Dr Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr Geezer’s clinic. “Dr Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr Young’s mouth”.

Dr Young: “AAAGH! …This is gasoline! “

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything”.
Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth”.

Dr Young: “Oh, no you don’t…that is gasoline!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak… I can hardly see anything!”

Dr Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: “But this is only $10!"

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story.

Just because you’re “young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “geezer”.

Remember, don’t make old people mad, we don’t like being old in the first place.

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#1462247 - 20/04/2018 15:24 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time.
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout.
The Constable he had his say, ‘foul play’ was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Or redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about.
‘I reckon I can clear it up,’ said Dad with trembling breath,
‘You see it’s quite a story - but it could explain his death.’

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste.
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I’d never have to dig again - I’d never be ‘caught short’.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn’t dream that poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened - which poor Granddad didn’t know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you’ll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash–
Well, he always used to hold his breath until he heard the splash!!


Edited by J Pabo (20/04/2018 15:29)

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#1462248 - 20/04/2018 15:31 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
New Wine For Seniors

A single glass of wine at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night’s sleep.

New Wine for Seniors , I kid you not…

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINOT MORE

Psst: I heard it through the grapevine!!!I

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#1462249 - 20/04/2018 15:32 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’

‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me I’m celebrating.‘

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’

‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’

‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’

‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence!’

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#1462568 - 26/04/2018 08:09 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
Mike Hauber Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 13/07/2007
Posts: 3306
Loc: Buderim

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#1464522 - 29/05/2018 19:08 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
EddyG Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 19/12/2008
Posts: 5055
Loc: Port Stephens NSW
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Four Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Try, Four-All...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 8 to 4.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Try, 8 All.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 9 to 8.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
_________________________
Rainfall
MTD - 44.4mm
YTD - 875.9mm
https://www.instagram.com/eddygroot/

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#1472108 - 05/10/2018 14:31 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
I got so drunk last night, I walked across the dance floor to get another drink, and won the dance contest!!!

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#1472109 - 05/10/2018 14:35 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread... [Re: TrenthamStormchasers]
J Pabo Offline
Weather Freak

Registered: 12/10/2012
Posts: 400
Loc: Clydesdale NSW
Yep, it’s that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert.

If you don’t use it, you will lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.

Some may think it is too easy, but the one’s with memory problems may have difficulty

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve answered the question.

Ok, RELAX, and clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: Bread

If you said ‘toast’, just give up now and go do something else.
And try not to hurt yourself.

If you said ‘bread" go to Question 2.

#2. Say ’ silk’ ten times… Now spell ‘silk’…What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said ‘milk’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World.

However, if you did say 'water ', proceed to Question 3.

#3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said ‘green bricks’ why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down.

But if you said ‘glass’ go to Question 4.

#4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating: You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia. In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus. In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people on. In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

Then you arrive at Philadelphia Station.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh. For crying out loud!

Don’t you remember your own age?!?! It was you driving the bus!

PS: 95% of people fail most of these questions!


Edited by J Pabo (05/10/2018 14:35)

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