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#192191 - 18/09/2008 13:12 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
Pope & Rabbi Debate



Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.


He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.



Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.



The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'



Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.



'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







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#192192 - 19/09/2008 13:29 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
This morning on the freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman
In a brand new Holden Calais
doing 110 kms per hr
with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man, I donít scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the meat pie out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my mobile phone
away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed, and burned
Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone,
soakedmy trousers, and disconnected an
important call.
Women drivers!!
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







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#192193 - 23/09/2008 18:00 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Hey Ya'll: 2:48AM Tuesday here; here are a couple from the "Bloopers, Bloopers, Bloopers! Treasury of Broadcasting's Most Hilarious Award-Winning Boners" by Kermit Schafer:

T'aint Funny, McGee
On the NBC Today show, Frank McGee was speaking about the Supreme Court decision against capital punishment: "Currently on Death Row in this country are Sirhan Sirhan, assassin of Robert Kennedy; Richard Speck, who was found guilty of the murder of 7 nurses and Charles Manson of the Sharon Turd mothers...Sharon Tate murders."

Here's another one:

Bargain Day
On WJW-TV in Cleveland (Ohio) they were showing the movie, "Cry Rape!" A scene showed a young girl who came to her husband and said, "Honey, I was just raped! (They then cut to a commercial) "at a Sears and Roebuck store."
*******
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow
Hey Wobbly Wombat: More Great Stuff that you're posting---barfably good! Love the condom ads joke.

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#192194 - 24/09/2008 10:52 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY


Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease , your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192195 - 24/09/2008 12:06 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
WelloMeteo Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 05/01/2006
Posts: 1488
Loc: Wellington Point SEQ (30km eas...
Quote:
Originally posted by TranslucidusW:

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Yes, but if while in said line, you remember the variation law and decide not to move, the other line will move faster. I've tried it. Here is the theory in action: The Young Ones: Bank Robbery

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#192196 - 24/09/2008 12:22 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
WOMAN'S DIARY 21 June 2008 - Saturday - Saw him in the evening and
he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with
the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and
loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone
else?

MAN'S DIARY:


21 June 2008 - Saturday


Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though!

BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







Top
#192197 - 26/09/2008 13:55 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
Unusual Funeral ...

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long lack hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue.'
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







Top
#192198 - 26/09/2008 13:58 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
COUNSELING - MINNESOTA STYLE‏

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, drinking beer, when suddenly Sven says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Ole sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over...........women like that are hard to find.'
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







Top
#192199 - 26/09/2008 21:27 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
This may have been around before, but it's too good to not read again.



Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Carolinians,Tennesseans and West Virginians

will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to us as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ...


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is

'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT- HAIRED

DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets

'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is

'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9... She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is

'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER.' (Loved this one)

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers

'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6.. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' -

He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

'RECTAL- CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is

'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE '

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people,

so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







Top
#192200 - 26/09/2008 21:29 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SEAN888 Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 19/09/2007
Posts: 1069
Loc: Merrbin

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#192201 - 30/09/2008 11:30 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192202 - 30/09/2008 11:30 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
Peter Kay One Liners


1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Aren't you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warnings when you're a kid, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192203 - 30/09/2008 11:44 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 87-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ' Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 87-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained. 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor????'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.'
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192204 - 30/09/2008 12:55 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
Wet Snow Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 17/06/2002
Posts: 5859
Loc: Mena, Polk County, Arkansas; e...
Folks: 9:40PM Monday night here, time for another couple from Paul Harvey's "For What It's Worth" book.

For What It's Worth...
Ed Ruffing reports in the Utica, New York, Observer-Dispatch :
Burglars in suburban Marcy (N.Y.) were carrying the TV set from the house down the driveway when the next-door neighbor called out, "Hey, are you going to fix her television set?"
And the burglars called back, "Yes."
And the neighbor asked, "Mine needs fixing, could you take it, too?"
And the burglars said, "Be glad to."
And they did.
(Nov. 9, 1978)

And another one...

Danny Layne, reporting from Jacksonville, North Carolina, tells our For What It's Worth Department...
A Chrysler dealer is urging car buyers to "buy American."
Calls his promotion, "BE AMERICAN, BUY AMERICAN."
And purchasers of a new AMERICAN car get a free chance on a Japanese motorcycle.
(Jan. 3, 1981)
*******
Please Enjoy~~~Wet Snow
P.S. Hey, Translucidus W, between you (& Wobbly Wombat et al), I have chronic weepy eyes & sore ribs... laugh ...

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#192205 - 01/10/2008 11:07 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.



The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192206 - 01/10/2008 12:11 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
An Irishman and his brothers.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'


The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, NO...!' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me...... I've quit drinking!'
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192207 - 05/10/2008 12:49 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
ColdFront Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 29/06/2008
Posts: 17327
Loc: Wide Bay..Near the beach
A golfer in his 70's goes home and tells the wife he has to give up golf because he can't see where the ball goes anymore. She tells him it is a simple fix and suggests he takes his 100 year old father with him. He has impeccable eyesight.

So he takes his father and after teeing off says "well dad did you see the ball?". His father replies "all the way son".

"Did it go straight or veer off" he asks.

His father replies "I don't remember".
_________________________
"I donít play golf, but I donít mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who play golf , denigrate means *put down*."

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#192208 - 05/10/2008 14:29 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
SBT Offline
Meteorological Motor Mouth

Registered: 07/02/2007
Posts: 14150
Loc: Townsville Dry Tropics
For our kiwi friends.

What does a hin do?
Lays iggs bro.
_________________________
202mm April 2017
Best 156mm 19/5/17
2017 Total 688mm
2016 Total 649mm
2015 Total 375mm
2014 Total 1032mm
2013 Total 715mm







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#192209 - 05/10/2008 17:18 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and
passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed.
"He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink him self into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways ........... but FORWARDS...
Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......

"@%$k, I'm p@#$%d."

PS Sorry about the swearing - but this just cracked me up frown
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
Sheidow Park Weather




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#192210 - 05/10/2008 17:50 Re: Monday night giggle - joke thread...
TranslucidusW Offline
Weatherzone Addict

Registered: 18/11/2003
Posts: 2662
Loc: Southern Adelaide
Aussie history

It was the first day of school and a new student named Huong, the son of a Vietnamese businessman, joined the history class in an Australian school.
The teacher said, "Let's begin the year by reviewing some Australian history.
Who said, "Vinegar Hill!"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Huong,
ĒCaptain Henry Ross, Eureka Stockade, Ballarat, 1854." He said. ď Very good!Ē
Who said 'We shall form a Commonwealth and govern from Canberra'?"
Again, no response except from Huong: "General Sir John Monash, 1915." said Huong.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Huong, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Vietnamese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Huong put his hand up. "Bruce Ruxton, 1975."
At that point, a voice from the back said, "Arr Geez, I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Huong says, "Paul Keating, meeting Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir, 1991."
Now, quite furious with frustration, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Huong jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Gareth Evans, to Cheryl Kernot, 1999!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria brewing, someone yelled: "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Huong frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Peter Reith to Rear Admiral Chris Ritchie at the "children overboard" enquiry, 2001."
The teacher fainted. The class gathered around the teacher on the floor and someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!" and Huong said, "Ansett Australia, 2002"!!
_________________________
I don't know anything . . .
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